I’m going to speak to you as a wife for a second… My husband has NO parenting expertise.
I have had to overcome several myths to get us on the same page, the very same ones I helped my clients through early on in my career, before I just simply made a decision to not buy into the story from one parent that the other wasn’t committed.
Once I made that decision, I stopped hearing from parents that one was less committed than the other.
Once I had a kid, however, I had to remember these decisions and apply them to my husband. Because, as you know, professional and personal lives are different.
So, I did the work.
When you’re dealing with ending the daily meltdown cycle, it’s important to BELIEVE with every fiber of your being that your spouse wants to live a different life than what you’re living right now.
It’s your turn:
MYTH:: Your partner is certain their way “works”.
FACT: Your partner knows what they're doing isn't working.
No one wants to be miserable, and everyone can quote Einstein: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
Your partner WANTS to live a life that’s free of misery.
MYTH: Your spouse isn’t researching what’s going on, so they’re not going to believe you that you’ve found a solution that will work. They have to do their own research and come to their own conclusions.
FACT: Because your spouse trusts you to do the research, your spouse also trusts you to vet the professional you choose to work with.
MYTH: Your spouse doesn’t trust you to make a decision about when it’s time to work with a professional to stop the meltdown cycle.
FACT: Your spouse trusts you to run in front of a car to save your child, or take them to the doctor when they're sick, but they don't trust you to make an educated decision about what parenting system you two should follow?
AND when to make the call that you need extra help beyond what you can manage on your own?
I call BULLSHIT; this doesn't mean that your spouse who isn't as well researched on the subject doesn't want to change, or isn't interested in ending the meltdowns.
What it does mean, is that when the childrearing responsibility is delegated more to one parent than another, your partner has been watching you and trusting you to carry that weight...
...and what that means is that when you say it isn't working, and you're the CEO of that business, they trust you to make that call.
They trust you to make those decisions because they already have trusted you to make those decisions in child rearing on a daily basis.
MYTH: Your partner isn’t as committed as you to fix it; they often refuse trying new things.
FACT: Sometimes people are afraid of making changes. They fear that they'll fail if they try; they fear stretching themselves outside their comfort zone.
We cannot make that mean that they're not up for it, and that the change isn't necessary.
Those are two completely different and separate things.
Whether it's necessary, whether they're capable, whether it's comfortable for them are 3 separate things--and so it’s up to you to hold the certainty for your partner that this change needs to happen.
You need to help them see that certainty.
You can’t do that with your panic pants on.
Hear them out.
Ask if they’re open to feedback on their approach.
Ask if they’re open to considering another perspective.
Demanding it, or giving ultimatums, or only bringing up your struggles when frustrated isn’t going to work.
MYTH: My partner is selfish, they won’t do the work
FACT: You support your kid to manage his own emotions every day, you don't have a shitty day every single day.
No one wants to have crappy days.
Even your ‘selfish’ spouse.
Also, if you think that poorly of your partner… why are you committed to the relationship?
Those two things are REALLY hard to keep true at the same time.
So, which is it, your relationship with your partner is WORTH working on, AND you can work on it through noticing you’re both committed to raising your children with less struggles than you had growing up,
OR… your relationship with your partner is awful, will never change, and neither will your relationship with your kid?
If you believe the second option...why are you still reading?
You don’t have to know HOW to get out of the mess. You only have to know THAT there is a way out and BELIEVE that both you and your partner want that.
If you believe that more than you believe in your partner’s fear or your fear that change is impossible for them, then book a call.
We’d be happy to show you how we’ve helped countless people get on the same page in eliminating the daily meltdown cycle, and reaping the rewards of an improved marriage as a bonus side effect.